Andrew (perspectivism) wrote,

one cingular frustration

Today, I got angry at someone. Angry enough to momentarily hurt her — but of course I simmer rather than make a mess. She'd left me a frustrated voicemail — and I scowled as I listened to it. I pressed "END". Part of me went back into the bookstore to talk with my friends, and part of me began to brood.

Back up. This morning, I had an important in-person appointment — a meeting with a close friend I hadn't seen since 2000. Knowing I had a 45 minute drive to look forward to, I scheduled a phone call with The_Girl because we had some things to share. I dial as I pull out of my driveway, we start talking, I hop on the highway, and the network goes blank. Grrrr. The network is back up for like 2 minutes a little farther down the road — enough for another frustrating disconnect.

What can one do? Obviously we will talk later.

I'm momentarily annoyed, but I quickly get past it. After all, the snafu spoke for itself: there was tons of static, there were dropped syllables. I understand; The_Girl will understand. She knows my schedule for the day, and we'll obviously each get on with our Sunday. I smile & summon my sunny disposition.

I have a fantastic day out in the sun, navigating parallel evolutions & new possibilities with my close friend & the friend he brought. Six hours into this, I check my voicemail on the still static-y network. One message waiting. One message signaling frustration, bordering on hurt/anger/disappointment. Sent four hours after the disconnects. Ugh.

Nothing else in the message. Just naked negativity. I don't respond well to that!

If the part of me that brooded had a voice, it would say: "This is someone close to me!? Someone who certainly knows better than to sound this way..."

Rather than respond to The_Girl, I "counted to ten." Ten seconds, ten days, doesn't matter. It's standard procedure: I have no intention of responding before I am completely recentered.

I got there (in more than ten minutes, and less than ten hours). Here's the key moment: In the shower, a thought shoots straight at me, fully formed. "She should just be glad I'm doing well. That should dominate everything else when she focuses on me." I saw that thought, caught it, and reversed it. "Hell, I should just be glad that she's doing great! Fine then, I will be! Let's see what happens."

Ten minutes pass. I feel exactly as I feel I should. So I compose.

Thank You For Existing. Thank you for living your own truths so many times today. Thank you for protecting & extending your essential self in so many ways. Your life has so many beneficiaries — so many satisfied customers — and I am one. When you just walk down the street, your alertness saves your life. When you dive into your projects, your passion keeps you sharp. When you drink your water, your energy keeps you healthy. And it's all for me. Whether you mean it that way or not. You add to my life. You expand my self. And I will never say it often enough.
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