Andrew (perspectivism) wrote,
Andrew
perspectivism

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perennial ideals & annual rhythms

I sometimes wonder where my imagined ideals come from. Different mood patterns evoke different ideals in recurrent intensities. They slip away mostly unarticulated, these recurrent visions of ideal, while I feel mostly the familiarity of each contour.

Laughing at the Christmas lights you remember from December...

One recurrent vision -- one cluster of easily evocable ideals -- swirls with winter holiday imagery. The imagery is perfect in its way, unmatchably dominant for its mood, a pronounced local maximum. Its basis? Mostly Kansas City, a place I never mention; my family when I was about 11, yes, but just as importantly external scenes that I saw and idealized.

Warmth. Spices. A home, yes, but not where I live: a home that feels permanently available, but only temporarily in use. Teases & promises of interesting, even conspiratorial, revelations from intimates. Total trust that everyone will be there tomorrow; a feeling that, when we leave, we will all leave at once.

An overwhelmingly comfortable place with barely tantalizing hints of intrigue...

But if you do that you'll be missing the world,
because it doesn't stop turning whatever you heard...


Years ago, Jasmine noticed that I act & think differently in different parts of each calendar month. At first I was totally incredulous, but my careful self-observation has long borne her out: I'm most relaxed around the 10th-12th of most months, and most impatient around the 27th-29th. Weird, no?

Friday night, I suddenly noticed that my inner annual calendar starts in October. Whatever I consciously thought, I now observe clearly how my birthday historically sprouts many more decisive new directions than New Year's does. Looking over each, +/-few_weeks:

New Year's has one huge event on its side: Kari. (Y2K)

Birthday:
  • discovering popular philosophy (1990)

  • Laura. (1992)

  • deciding to do law school (1993)

  • Seriously began friendship w/ Meredith. (1996)

  • Seriously began friendship w/ Farsam. (1998)

  • HeightenedSenses business plan (1999)

  • Seriously began friendship w/ Paul G. (1999)

  • Star. (1999)

  • deciding to become a corporate trainer, even though it meant first becoming a software engineer! (1999)

  • doing first big -- and still best -- training gig ever (2000)

  • began Perspectivist Connections (2000)

  • Joanna. (2000)

  • Quirkyalone. (2001)

  • branching out into seriously simultaneous careers (2001)

  • being social again (2001)
Of course there have been some Spring & Summer milestones too, though of a different character. I seem to use those months less for big decisions & more for exploring new options. Decisions are less dramatic in those months. Explosions happen there too, but they take longer...

How each of us decides,
I've never been sure.
The part we play,
The way we are.
How each of us denies any other way in the world...


I do wonder what shape this season's decisions will take. I feel increasingly prepared to make them.
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